Peter McHardy has been married for 54 years this November. But as he puts it, it hasn’t been one marriage. It’s been two.
“There was the one before the diagnosis,” he said. “And there’s the one after.”
His wife, Alma, was diagnosed with mild cognitive impairment more than 10 years ago. That diagnosis marked the beginning of a new chapter, not one filled with retirement plans or travel, but with caregiving, trial-and-error treatments and daily decisions to stay present, kind and calm in the face of slow, irreversible change.
The couple's first marriage was built on teamwork and shared joy. He worked, she ran the household, and together they entertained, travelled and built a life side by side. Their second marriage is built on patience, persistence and daily acts of care, from managing medications to creating moments of joy each day. Because McHardy is now Alma’s full-time caregiver.
"It’s brand new for most people"
According to Family Caregivers of BC, more than eight million Canadians are caregivers. Together, they provide over seven billion hours of unpaid care each year, the equivalent of nearly three million full-time jobs.
“If they stopped tomorrow, the health care system would collapse,” the organization states.
“People know about cancer. They know about Alzheimer’s, sort of,” McHardy said. “But when it’s happening to you, it’s all brand new. If you’re a paid caregiver, the system thanks you. But as a family caregiver? You’re alone.”
That’s where the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society (CFCSS) comes in.
The Vancouver Island-based organization provides emotional, practical and systems-level support to unpaid caregivers across the region. They offer one-on-one guidance, peer support groups, education and advocacy, all while operating with just five part-time staff and a budget that continually hovers near the edge.
They currently support more than 250 caregivers. There are 24 more on their waitlist.
McHardy, a resident of the Vancouver Island community of Ladysmith is now an ambassador for the society and runs a coffee group for male caregivers.
“They helped me navigate the health care system,” he said. “What I’ve learned, I now share with other caregivers in our coffee group.”
CFCSS's goal is simple: "to reduce caregiver stress, increase resilience and ensure no one walks the path alone.”
“Every day, I try to create one moment of joy”
McHardy’s approach to caregiving is both practical and philosophical. His days are filled with routine: preparing meals, managing medications, attending appointments and helping Alma through confusion, fear and frustration.
“I’m sad every day,” he said. But each morning, he makes a choice.
“Every day, I try to create one moment of joy for the two of us,” McHardy said.
He often returns to a parable he likes to share.
“You’ve got two dogs inside you. You’ve got a negative dog and a positive dog. And they fight all the time. And you ask which one wins? The answer is: the one you feed the most.”
McHardy feeds the good dog.
“Everything’s been a bit of a disappointment”
After Alma’s diagnosis, the couple pursued every treatment they could. They tried red light therapy, physiotherapy, nutritional programs, acupuncture, mould testing and sauna therapy.
“Everything’s been a bit of a disappointment,” he said. “Because she’s not bad enough, and yet she’s worse.”
Medications were a process of trial and error. One caused the sensation of ants crawling up Alma’s legs. Others didn’t work — or worked for a while, then stopped.
Eventually, McHardy realized they couldn’t do it alone.
“I thought I didn’t need help”
Like many caregivers, McHardy resisted support at first.
“I’ve got some male tendencies,” he said with a smile. “The ‘I’ll take care of it’ thing.”
Ten years ago, he didn’t think he needed the CFCSS. Five years ago, he reconsidered. A year ago, he made the call.
“After the first meeting, I signed up,” he said.
Now he’s one of the society’s strongest advocates.
“They’re doing extraordinary work but they’re underfunded,” McHardy said, stressing the importance of fundraising.
The emotional and practical support he receives helps him focus on what matters most: keeping Alma safe, cared for and at home as long as possible.
What happens if I die?
As Alma’s dementia progresses, tough decisions follow.
“The last six months have seen a more rapid decline,” he said, “forcing me to re-evaluate how to best take care of her and what the near future really holds.”
To show up fully for Alma, McHardy has to care for himself, too. That means a minimum of 10,000 steps a day, garage workouts, music when the mood dips and embracing his emotions.
“Key for me is to be proactive in addressing a number of what if’s, such as: What if I pass away first? What will my life look like if she is in long term care or what will my life be like without her?”
Two marriages, one vow
McHardy continues to walk two paths, honouring the joyful life they built together while navigating the difficult road of caregiving with grace and determination. Their first marriage may be behind them, but their second is no less real.
“I acknowledge my grief and that I am slowly losing the love of my life,” he said. “The reality that I have two Almas and the need for me to be full time on her journey has proven to work for us.”
Their second marriage is sustained not just by love, but by community, and by the practical, emotional support offered by the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society.
“I’m married to a different person now,” McHardy said. “But I’m still her husband.”
And just as he honours both versions of Alma, McHardy honours both marriages, keeping his vow with every step.
To learn more about the Cowichan Family Caregivers Support Society visit their website at .
