While seniority in your occupation gains you respect (and maybe more pay), seniority in age in our society has little to commend it.
If we want to run a marathon, we train for it; if we want to be a doctor, we go to school for many years to 'learn how.' But what about being a senior, and more particularly, what about being a 鈥渇amily caregiver?鈥�
This question hung in the air at the recent talk by BC Seniors Advocate, Dan Levitt. Not only is there no course to help us prepare to take care of our mother, father, sister, cousin, or most difficult of all, our spouse, no one even talks about it, until it happens. And, there is such emotional content in this role that not preparing can leave us not only exhausted, but emotionally drained, and without anywhere to turn.
And our family members and friends may be well-meaning but not really understanding the situation, and not able to give the support the family caregiver needs. Unlike being a young mom, being a caregiver for a spouse ends, not with the growing learning and increased independence of the person but often with the person going into long-term care, and inevitably with death. So those very days one wants to make the most of, and cherish, can be exhausting and overshadowed by a sense of helplessness and looming guilt (why did you put her into care?) and grief (have all the good days gone?)
So, why is there no preparation for this most challenging marathon? It seems that our society does not want to think about this role. It is the proverbial elephant in the room through our 40s, 50s and 60s. Sure, we have other concerns such as empty nesting, and menopause, and some of us get thrown into parent care, which may serve as a sort of limited preparation for spouse care. But by the time we need the care support group, it is often difficult to find and we may not have the time or energy to attend.
There is, of course, some practical help available: an Island Health assessment can lead to the provision of help with activities of daily living, and provide respite for the caregiver through home respite, drop-in programs, and week-long respite programs. There are a few drop-off programs, where family caregivers can either attend or connect and share their strategies.
There are small (facilitated) groups of 鈥渃arers鈥� who meet to discuss their challenges. But how much easier it would be for the 鈥渇amily caregiver,鈥� if there were a course months or years before the more than full-time job of caring for a loved one took over their time, energy, emotional reserves, and coincided with their health battles?
Jennifer Pass is the co-ordinator of Comox Valley Elders Take Action (ETA). To find out about meetings, contact her at 250-334-2321 or passj@telus.net
